The Demolition of Silence

Some days I want
to break down and cry.
Destroying the silence
that I feel in and around me.
My sobs, like wrecking balls
Smashing large holes,
My wails cutting through
the silent supports.
My moans detonating in
the silent foundation.
My expectation of connecting
to another person
as the structure of silence
crumbles around me.
The demolition of silence falling,
while its’ dust rises
in the rays of the sun.
Who's there?
Who heard me?
Was it you?

The Hole in Your Soul

The joy of your youth had a hole ripped in it under the guise of love.

The decision of how you should define love was made for you by others.

It was made out of the fear and ignorance of what others knew.

They wanted you to know the fear and ignorance they saw.

They wanted to know that they were not alone in what they saw and felt.

So they did it to you to protect you.

They gave you the first wound, so you knew it was a wound.

In the ecstasy of self-awareness, they forgot what they did, so they repeated it again and again.

Until they knew that you knew that they knew too.

And they said they were sorry.

And you were left with a gaping hole in your life, that you try not to fall through.

You try to hide it. You try to fix it. You try not to fall through it while others watch because they will see you and judge you. 

They will try to save you as a way to save themselves. Their fears will make them ignorant of you and your hole. They will rip the hole bigger with the best intentions of making it smaller.

Then you will not know where the hole is and it will swallow you.

Falling in to the darkness of your soul. The despair, the pain, the blindness, the numbness all wrap themselves around you.

They squeeze you tight. So tight that you stop the fight and continue to fall.

Then you stop. Stop caring. Stop feeling.

Then you stop falling.

You open your eyes, brush yourself off and stand up in the hole in your soul.

You find the feelings, the fears have gone. Leaving you with the hole in your soul,
that you try not to fall in, again.

Some days just aren't Friday.

Every once in a while, I am struck with depression. Not just blah, but a feeling of Dread, like a hand clasping your soul. Stopping your enthusiasm, Slowing your feelings of being alive. Coming in like an ectoplasm, clogging your extrasensory abilities. then it turning into an iron grip.

Depression is the slowing down of your life that gets out of control until despair takes over stopping all enjoyment and all feelings. This is the greatest danger of a leisure oriented lifestyle, but it is not limited to that lifestyle. It just makes you more susceptible.

You begin to feel less valuable and don't want to know why. You just sink into doing nothing, feeling nothing and being nothing. 

The thing about it is....

Depression sucks. You can try to fight through it. You can try to strategize around it. You can even try to plan around and manage it. However, it will thwart your best intentions and stymie your most resolved intentions, so all you can do is flow with it. It's not the best way to handle it in this modern organized, planned, processed world, but it is the only thing that works.

I am convinced that trying to force your willpower on to it to make it change results in making it resist that change more. However coming to the watershed of the ride is very liberating. Pent up energy is released and you can focus it on that which you love.

Good day!!